


black dwarf

by emilycass



Series: Lost Stars [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Awkward Teenagers falling in love, Disabled Character, Episodic Narrative, Eventual Smut, M/M, Mutual Pining, Romance, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-29
Updated: 2014-10-29
Packaged: 2018-02-22 10:56:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2505305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilycass/pseuds/emilycass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which love proves itself to be non-aesthetic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	black dwarf

**Author's Note:**

> first of all: i'm sorry  
> second of all: this was supposed to be a oneshot but it became too long so i'm dividing it into two chapters
> 
> enjoy the first part!

Rin stares outside the glass window, his chin resting on his palm as he fiddles with the wires of his earphones. The music from his iPod muffles the loud chattering of his classmates, their voices so distant like the faint sound of a church bell from a neighboring town, barely recognizable, but he hears one of his classmates’ voice as the bridge of the song he’s listening to comes in with a soft nostalgic melody. 

 

“I heard a new student’s coming in today.”

 

“Are you kidding me? It’s the middle of the first semester, nobody’s crazy enough to transfer schools at this time of the year.”

 

Rin agrees with them quietly, still staring at the cherry blossom tree outside their classroom, its leaves green and nondescript, a coincidental symbol of how dull his life has been. Every day comes like a blur, he wakes up, goes to school, trains, finishes his school work, sleeps, then a new day comes and this cycle repeats over and over and _over_ again. He spends every day with the thought and desire of just finishing the day and laying his aching back on his soft bed.

 

There are some moments that bring him excitement, however, like the times when he races against Haru or chases after his former captain’s younger brother, Momotarou, whenever the boy hovers around his little sister like the hormonal teenager he is. These events, unfortunately, are just temporary like a quick flash of a camera - a bright light that momentarily blinds him and leaves a faint glow behind his eyes and then, eventually and ultimately disappears. 

 

“Matsuoka, thanks for lending me this.” He turns his head, seeing his classmate’s neatly pressed uniform - a glaring white fabric that burns his eyes. He sees his Arctic Monkeys album being handed to him. 

 

“Ah, sure,” he says, voice raspy and sounding like a broken record. He takes the album from his classmate. He plucks his earphones out of his ears and packs them into his bag along with his album as their teacher tells them to take their seats. His earphones get tangled with his hand as he inserts it into the front pocket of his bag, he huffs in annoyance and tries to unravel the wires from his fingers.

 

“Today, I’d like to introduce a new transfer student.”

 

Oh, what a surprise, his classmate was right after all. He couldn’t care less. He continues to disentangle his hand from the mess of wires in his bag. 

 

“This is Yamazaki Sousuke-kun - “

 

He almost drops his bag. 

 

He doesn’t hear the rest of his teacher’s statement. He feels his heart heat up within his chest, a familiar adrenaline rush overcoming his entire body, a flood of childhood memories crossing his mind in a flash. A smile, deep sea green eyes, ebony hair that never seems to be disheveled, and the warm sensation of his knuckles touching Sousuke’s - he remembers it all, he _feels_ it all in just a mere breath of a second. 

 

Then, he looks up, hoping to see Sousuke’s eyes sparkle when he sees him. He doesn’t hear anything but the loud thrumming of his heart in his chest as he sees Sousuke’s eyes scan his classroom. He’s grown taller, Rin estimates that he’s already six feet tall, with heavy muscles bulging against the fabric of his uniform. His skin contrasts with the white color of his uniform, a tan complexion that one only gets when left under the sun for too long. 

 

He feels his cheek muscles lift up, unconsciously smiling as he looks at Sousuke, noting that he almost hasn’t changed. His face may be more angular and he may be much bigger and broader than before but as Rin looks at the way he taps his foot against the pavement as a nervous habit and places his hands within the confines of his pockets, Rin realizes that the Sousuke right in front of him may just be the same awkward boy who pouts a lot and always wanted to compete with him five years ago.  

 

Sousuke’s eyes lands on his seatmate. Everything becomes out of focus, the blackboard suddenly glowing in an insane and almost psychedelic shade of green. He hears his classmates clapping, the sound of their hands slapping against each other too distant, unbelievably too faint even if their seats are literally just half a meter apart. Sousuke doesn’t even spare him a glance and continues to scan the room. 

 

Rin’s heart sinks. Of course, it’s been five years after all; and Sousuke surely doesn’t remember him anymore. 

 

He turns his head back to the windows, biting his lip as he grips the edge of his table, his fingernails digging into the laminated wood of his desk. He shouldn’t have expected Sousuke to smile at him and recognize him after years of being apart, after forgetting to write to him for so many years. But then again, he should’ve been accustomed to this feeling of getting his hopes up for nothing. After all, he’s spent the first few years of his adolescence constantly hoping and aiming for a dream that wasn’t even his and getting it shut down by the harsh, unrelenting tempest called life. 

 

So he breathes in deeply, erasing the hopeful thoughts of doing his childhood handshake with Sousuke from his mind, he didn’t want anything to be awkward after all. He stares absentmindedly at the dull cherry blossom tree again, and sees a single leaf fall from one of its branches. At that same moment, he hears some of his classmates gasp. 

 

He looks back at his classroom to see what caused the commotion. He gapes in disbelief as Sousuke grips a white cane with his hand and taps it against the legs of the tables. _Tictictic_. Sousuke’s white cane clanks each time it hits a table leg, his feet carefully and gently striding against the ground to reach his seat. One of Rin’s classmates stands up and offers him help by holding his elbow, leading him to his seat and making him touch the smooth surface of his new table. Sousuke smiles, muttering a small thanks. 

     

The room is silent, all Rin could hear is the sound of his teacher opening up a new pack of white chalk. He couldn’t believe it, couldn’t accept it, couldn’t seem to comprehend what just happened. 

 

Sousuke is blind.

 

 _But how? Why?_  

 

He runs his fingers through his hair, mind blank and unfocused as he looks back at Sousuke, three seats across him. He sees Sousuke bring out a book with a seemingly plain cover, then Rin notices, as a stream of sunlight hits Sousuke’s table, that the book’s cover consists of embossed dots that formed different blocks of braille letters.  

 

The teachers starts talking but Rin couldn’t hear him clearly. All he could hear are muffled sounds of what seems to be literary terms being discussed in front as he watches Sousuke flip the pages of his book and stroke its pages firmly, the tips of fingers pressing upon each block of letter as he follows the teacher’s discussion. 

 

Rin looks at Sousuke’s eyes, and notes the way they look so glassy and vacant - like the hollow eyes of a Jack O’Lantern's, but Sousuke’s eyes didn’t glow, didn’t sparkle anymore like they used to. They’re dark, forlorn, their brilliance snatched by a tragedy that Rin desperately didn’t want to ponder upon. 

 

Sousuke’s eyes remind him of dead stars. 

 

——

 

Nitori’s tears greet him that morning. 

 

“Rin-senpai, I-I,” he hiccups. “can’t believe we’re changing rooms right in the middle of the semester.” 

 

Rin groans, the soft cushion of his mattress seemingly wanting to swallow him whole as he struggles to sit up. “Why are you making such a big deal out of this? We’re just changing dorm rooms since it’s a new school year.” 

 

He drops his legs to the ground with a soft thud and stands up. He stretches his arms up to relieve himself of his sore muscles, then immediately wears his sneakers. He’s already packed his things in a duffel bag neatly stationed on his desk. 

 

“But I-“

 

Rin brings out a hair tie from his pocket, stretching it out and bundling his hair with it. “Keep this room clean, okay?” He smiles at his underclassman, patting his silver bowl-cut hair gently. Nitori pouts, his eyes still watery with tears. 

 

Rin grabs his jacket hung on the top rail of a wooden chair. His fits his arms through it and grasps the strap of his bag, swinging it carelessly over his shoulder. He throws Nitori a glance, lips fitting into a small smile and says, “Later.”

 

He opens the door, a shock of apricot-colored hair greeting him in the face. “Rin-senpai! Nitori-senpai!” Momotarou exclaims, bringing with him an aura of excitement only he can express so vividly. Rin gives Nitori one last look of sympathy and shuts the door when Momotarou enters his former room with much enthusiasm.

 

He wonders to silently to himself if Nitori can handle the exultant whirlwind that is Momotarou Mikoshiba. 

 

He then walks straight to his new room assignment, the number 201 carved neatly against the dull gray door of his new room. He sighs, wondering who his new roommate will be and desperately hopes that he won’t be as haphazard as Nitori. 

 

He twists the doorknob, hoping to see one of his underclassmen sitting on the floor while trying to sort out his things but instead, he is welcomed by a six foot tall man with back muscles that should be illegal in all fifty states of America. 

 

Rin gulps, his bag dropping on the floor with a loud thump.

 

“Ah! Sorry, I didn’t know my roommate’s coming in this early,” Sousuke says as he continues to fit himself in a teal polyester polo shirt. Its sleeves fit snugly around his biceps, threatening to rip out and expose his heavy muscles. Sunlight streams from the cracks of the blinds, spilling into the room in muted tones, and frames Sousuke’s form with a golden silhouette.

 

Rin coughs. “No, it’s fine. I -“ His voice cracks. _Shitshitshit_. An awkward silence drops in the room, the low hum of the air-conditioning unit makes its way to their ears, saving them from harsh ringing sound they should be hearing. 

 

“I’m Sousuke Yamazaki, by the way.” Sousuke saves him from the first awkward moment of introduction and offers his hand to him. 

 

Sousuke is facing the desk. 

 

Rin wants to laugh, really, because he dreamed about this the previous night, dreamed of talking to Sousuke again and doing their childhood handshake with him and possibly being roommates with him. And he can’t believe all of it is going to turn into reality. 

 

He taps Sousuke’s shoulder and Sousuke turns to his direction, about to apologize. But instead of letting him do so, he quickly hooks his forearm with his and locks their arms together, pulling Sousuke closer to him. 

 

“Wha-“

 

“I’m Rin. Rin Matsuoka.”

 

Sousuke’s eyes widen, the familiar glint Rin saw within his eyes five years ago now rushing back into his pupils, and they dilate, making his eyes glow in an impossibly deep cyan hue. Rin realizes that their faces are too close to each other, noses almost touching, and unhooks his arm from Sousuke’s. 

 

Silence, again. 

 

Rin laughs this time, clutching his stomach as he bends down. Laughter creeps its way up to Sousuke’s throat and releases it self in a series of short low pitched sounds coupled with short gasps for air. 

 

“I never thought I’d see you again,” Rin says. 

 

“I never thought you’d be my roommate.” 

 

“Why would you transfer schools at this time of the year, though?”

 

Sousuke stops laughing, sliding his hands into his pockets. “Ah, something just came up in my old school.”

 

Rin’s heart drops, he shouldn’t have asked that. He forgets, in a few seconds of familiarity, that Sousuke is blind and perhaps its for that reason that he transferred schools, their academy has implemented a new program for the blind and the deaf after all. 

 

“H-how about we play rock-paper-scissors and whoever wins will get the bottom bunk?” 

 

 _But he won’t see who will win, you fucking idiot._ Rin mentally slaps himself. That’s strike two. 

 

“Sure, but you have to be honest, Rin, don’t cheat on me now.” Sousuke smirks, rolling his right shoulder in preparation for their face-off. 

 

Rin grins, cheeks high and rosy, and clenches his right hand into a fist. 

 

“Jan-ken-pon!” They both exclaim in unison. 

 

Sousuke’s hand stays as a fist while Rin’s fingers spread out in front of it. He wins. 

 

“So? Who won?”

 

“Ah, I lost.” Rin chuckles nervously. His interest in getting the bottom bunk suddenly disappears with the thought of Sousuke, with the inability to see, climbing up the ladder to sleep on his bed. He might fall, hit his head on the floor or hit his head on the ceiling accidentally and it will kill Rin with guilt knowing that he could’ve given Sousuke the bottom bunk willingly - so he does, in a not so obvious manner. 

 

“Really? I’ve never won one of these before…are you sure about that?”

 

“Yeah, I chose scissors, Sousuke, are you saying you don’t trust me anymore?” Rin pouts. 

 

Sousuke’s eyebrows scrunch up. “No, no, it’s just that it’s really hard to figure out who won on my part because…well, as you can see I - “

 

“I know.” Rin cuts his statement. “We’re classmates, I saw you yesterday with your white cane and all.” He rubs his nape with the palm of his hand and looks down to his sneakers-clad feet. 

 

“How about editing it then?” Sousuke says. “Let’s edit the game so I won’t have to doubt the results.” He waves his hands in front of him and adds, “Not that I doubt my winning! It’s just that -“

 

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. How about…you drawing or writing your option on a paper or something and I’m gonna say my option out loud then you show me your choice so we can both know who wins?”

 

Sousuke’s lips form a wide grin. “Yeah, let’s do that next time.”

 

The awkwardness clears up a little and Matsuoka Rin wonders, as he arranges his clothes by color on the bamboo floor of their dorm room, what this school year would be like, what kind of new adventures he’d experience with his childhood friend who has lost the ability to see. 

 

And he wonders again, silently, pitifully, what caused Sousuke’s tragic fate. 

 

— — 

 

Rin lets himself sink into the waters of an eight-foot deep swimming pool, holding his breath and squeezing his eyes shut. He’s been trying to measure how long he could hold his breath, mind locked on the idea that Olympic swimmers could probably hold their breaths for an impossibly long time. 

 

So he lets his body drift and float in the abysmal water, with no pool lights whatsoever, and counts - _one, two, three, four…_

 

His mind drifts right in the middle of counting, pondering if this is what Astronauts feel like, lost in an abyss of darkness, their bodies free from the force of gravity — weightless, breathless. But Astronauts always needed something to hold on to; or else, they’ll be lost in an eternal void of solitude and eventually, will die with the clouds of dust and stars that fill the cosmos, they’re bodies becoming one with the stars just as every atom in the galaxy will be.

 

Rin pushes his entire body up, going against the pressure of water, and gasps for air when his head pierces through the water’s surface. He pants uncontrollably, placing his hands one the edge of the pool to lift himself up. And that’s when he sees it - red sneakers lined with black coupled with white laces neatly tied on top. Then, a white cane, dipping cautiously against the surface of the pool water.

 

“What? Were you lonely without me?” Rin taunts. 

 

It’s been three months since Sousuke transferred to Samezuka Academy. They’ve been spending time with each other ever since they’ve been assigned to the same room, talking about school and family and catching up on each other, filling the wide gap they’ve dug through five long years of separation. 

 

“No, I wasn’t…” Sousuke removes his shoes, setting them gently and dangerously close to the edge of the pool. He feels for the ground and settles himself in front of Rin, hissing when his legs plunge into the cold water. 

 

“You’re just lonely I couldn’t spend twenty-four hours a day with you.”

 

“Am not…,” Sousuke mumbles, eating his words. 

 

“Are too!” Rin pulls Sousuke’s white cane towards the water, snatching it from his grasp and poking him with it. 

 

“Ugh, Rin, stop that!” Sousuke blindly feels for his white cane as Rin waves it in front of him playfully. Rin moves back, seeing Sousuke almost touch the stick, and Sousuke moves forward, knees already submerged in water. And he moves closer, closer - 

 

Then his whole body drops into the water. 

 

Rin gasps, heart stopping, out of breath - the moon suddenly becoming an insufficient source of light. It’s dark and Rin throws the white cane unceremoniously to the floor, hearing it hit the ground and roll away. He submerges himself into the water hooking both of his hands to Sousuke’s biceps and pulls him up. 

 

“Shit! Sorry, sorry, I didn’t think of that, I’m so sorry - “

 

“Rin,” Sousuke says, voice bubbly and light. He pants, wiping his face with his palm. “It’s okay, I miss swimming anyway.”

 

Rin’s face scrunches up in worry. _How long have you been blind?_ Is what he wants to say - it’s a question that he had worn on his lips for months - like a loose thread on his favorite sweater he couldn’t resist pulling despite knowing it could all unravel around him - but the words that fall from his mouth are: “Did you hurt anything?”

 

“No, I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

 

 _But I can’t help but always worry about you._ A droplet of water dripping down from Sousuke’s neck catches Rin’s attention as it rolls down to the hem of Sousuke’s shirt and into the space in the middle of his chest. 

 

Sousuke is wearing a _white_ shirt. 

 

“Oh,” Rin mutters unintelligibly, staring at the way Sousuke’s shirt sticks to his skin and becomes almost translucent, his nipples pink and erect, coming into shape as his shirt rides down with the heavy weight of water. 

 

“Why? What’s wrong?”

 

“No, no, no, n-nothing!” Rin quickly exclaims, burying his face in his hands in embarrassment. _Stupid! Stop staring!_ He bits his lower lip, tasting copper in his mouth when he feels blood trickle from his lip and into his tongue - his pointy teeth piercing through his own skin again. His heart beats so fast within his chest. He was seven when he first knew that a human heart could only beat an average of 42 million times in a year; and he wonders, if his heart is beating just as fast in this moment, maybe he could just die right then and there and melt into the cold, spine-tingling pool they’re in; or perhaps, the Earth should just swallow him whole, because really, who would stare at his _male_ best friend’s chest dreamily while the said best friend is oblivious and shivering right in front of him?

 

He feels something cold touch his naked shoulder. 

 

“Gah!”

 

Sousuke’s face comes into focus.

 

“Can you help me out of the pool? It’s getting really cold in here,” he says, lips slightly trembling and turning into a deep shade of purple. 

 

“Of course!” comes Rin’s hasty reply. 

 

He places both of his hands on the edge of the pool and pushes against it to pull himself up. He grunts, feeling the heaviness of the water on his body weigh him down, suddenly aware of the strong pull of gravity - suddenly aware that being weightless and free in water is never equivalent to walking on land. 

 

Sousuke does the same thing and Rin helps him, grabbing his arms and pulling him up. Sousuke’s body comes into surface, pressing his knees on the tiled pavement, and Rin marvels at the way the water cascades down his body. Sousuke feels for the ground, expecting to touch the smooth tiled floor but instead, he touches something soft and rough, something warm against the cold pads of his fingers - like human flesh - and then, he goes lower and touches the hem of what seems to be swimming trunks. 

 

“Uh.”

 

Sousuke realizes he’s straddling Rin’s thighs. 

 

“Sorry!” Sousuke exclaims, moving back and almost falling into the water again if not for Rin grabbing his arms and pulling him closer to him. 

 

“Careful!” 

 

They pant against each other, faces too close and flushed in embarrassment. 

 

“We should hurry back to the dorm, we might catch a cold,” Rin says, giving himself a mental high-five for finally saying something that actually made sense.  

 

——

 

They walk back to their room together, Sousuke gripping his white cane painfully hard with his shaking hand and Rin clad in a fluffy white towel. They are both shivering, lips turning purple and fingers turning numb due to the harsh, cold winds of the night. They had to cross two buildings to get to their dorm and avoid a couple of security guards roaming around the lobby of their school. 

 

Sousuke struggles to pull out the key to their room from his pocket. The key catches the light from the fluorescent bulb hanging above them. Rin snatches it from Sousuke’s grasp with his own trembling hands and opens the door to their room. The warm heat from their dorm room’s floor greats him like a freshly made apple pie on a Christmas Eve. 

 

He steps inside, noticing how both of their bodies cast a shadow upon their beige-colored floor. 

 

Then something rustles inside their room. 

 

“Wait.” Rin holds Sousuke’s arm to stop him from going inside their room. 

 

Something comes rushing to them, dark brown, crawling, tiny and -

 

_It’s a fucking cockroach._

 

Rin screams bloody murder, almost climbing Sousuke’s torso as he jumps on him for dear life. 

 

“What is it? What’s happening?” Sousuke says, his hair being messily tousled by Rin’s hands as he shakily clambers upon him. 

 

“There’s a cock- a cockr-“ 

 

“There’s a what? A cock?” 

 

The insect disappears from sight, making Rin sigh in relief. The towel wrapped around his shoulders now lies on the floor, his torso’s exposed to the cold, feeling Sousuke’s shirt stick to him.

 

_Wait._

 

He’s hugging Sousuke tightly, arms cocooned around his torso and right leg swung lightly and snug around his hips.

 

_Embarrassing moment part three._

 

He gently pushes Sousuke away and sneezes, rubbing his nose with the back of his hand and suddenly remembering the thermos he left that afternoon on their desk filled with warm water. He picks up the white towel from the floor and flicks the light switch up, seeing the room illuminate brightly, burning his eyes. Sousuke follows him inside, disturbingly quiet. Rin looks back, seeing Sousuke’s body shaking as he clutches his own arms protectively around himself. 

 

“Ah! Wait.” Rin leads Sousuke to his bed and pushes him down to the soft cushion with a soft thump. He opens their closet, grunting in annoyance at the way that Sousuke’s clothes are arranged - they’re scattered all over the drawer, recklessly thrown inside without much thought. Rin grabs a towel, a shirt and a checkered pair of boxers. 

 

He unfolds the blue towel and starts rubbing Sousuke’s scalp with it. Sousuke looks up, eyes glassy and still unfocused, pupils dilated, the brilliant teal blue color emanating from his irises makes Rin’s heart skip a beat. 

 

“Rin, you don’t have to do this.”

 

“Shut up, I’m gonna make us some cup noodles, okay? Stop complaining.” 

 

He leaves the towel on Sousuke’s head and proceeds to look for the cup noodles he bought three days ago. He digs inside their closet, amongst piles of clothes, Ziplocs, and plastic containers, until he finally spots two packs of cup noodles resting behind a box of shaving razors. He rips the lid off, pouring boiling water into the plastic package, feeling the warmness seep into his hands as he holds the pack of cup noodles. He steals a short glance at Sousuke, he’s wearing his dry shirt now, his wet clothes thrown carelessly to the floor. 

 

Rin smiles to himself. He wraps both of the plastic containers with tissues and drops two plastic forks into the bubbling soup inside, observing the way that the noodles soften under the burning warmth of the water. 

 

He hands Sousuke his cup noodles, letting him wrap his cold fingers around the rim of the plastic container first before letting go of it. 

 

Sousuke mutters a small thanks. Rin settles himself beside him before turning his speakers on and selecting the song ‘Do I Wanna Know?’ on his iPod, setting the album on repeat. A short intro of an electric guitar echoes within their room and Rin hums, blowing the steam off his cup noodles - the air around his nose and mouth suddenly moist and clammy with heat. 

 

“You really like this band, huh?”

 

“Yeah.” What Rin doesn’t say is that he wanted to watch a movie at that moment, but he considers Sousuke’s condition and settles for a background music instead. 

 

He settles his cup noodles on the desk and goes back to their closet again, he opens the other side this time and observes the way his clothes are arranged: by color, type of clothing, and frequency of use. Sousuke would probably laugh and tease him about his slightly obsessive compulsive behavior if he sees his side of the closet. But alas, he can’t. Rin digs his nails to the wooden door of their cabinet - _stop thinking about that stop s t  o  p_

 

He carefully removes his soaked swimming trunks, cringing at the way it sticks to his skin, and throws it to the hamper. He fits himself in a loose black sweatshirt that says ’81 NEW YORK’ in bold white letters and a blue pair of checkered boxers. Then, he slams the door of their closet shut, shocks himself when the door hits the frame of the cabinet and produces a loud sound, and walks back to their bunk, snatching his cup noodles from the desk. 

 

He wraps Sousuke’s shoulders with a blanket and inserts his own feet under the excess fabric lying on the bed then, he settles his back against the metal railing of their bunk, the coldness of the steel board seeping its way through his sweatshirt. Sousuke plays with the hem of the blanket with his fingertips as he blows the top of the plastic container, producing a cloud of steam in front of his face. Rin watches, eyes dazed as he stirs the noodles around his cup with a fork. He lifts the fork up, bringing with it a few strands of noodles and gulps it down, noting how they burn inside his mouth. 

 

They sit in silence for awhile until Sousuke speaks up. 

 

“I inherited this blindness from my grandfather, it’s called Retinitis pigmentosa. It runs in the family.” 

 

Rin stops stirring his noodles. “Sousuke, you don’t have to - “

 

“I know you always wanted to ask about this, Rin, you’re just holding yourself back. I know what you’re thinking, even if I can’t see it in your eyes like before.”

 

Something gets stuck at the back of his throat and Rin coughs, patting his own chest gently.

 

“It’s not such a tragic story, really,” Sousuke continues. “It all started when you went away to study in Australia - “ Rin gulps, guilt eating him up inside as he remembers Sousuke’s crestfallen look when he took a peak outside of the bus he was riding five years ago. Sousuke had been looking down on the ground, hands clenched into fists and eyebrows furrowed as the bus Rin had ridden starts to accelerate, the image of Sousuke gradually getting smaller and blurrier with the fog from the snow. “- at first, I wondered why I couldn’t see so much at night, like everything’s pale yellow and hazy whenever I’m outside, then my mom confessed that I might’ve inherited my grandfather’s disease. Of course, I didn’t mind it, it wasn’t really getting in the way of my swimming anyway. So I didn’t do anything about it and just brushed it off until my peripheral vision started to waver. I couldn’t see my sides anymore and whenever I swam, it felt like I was swimming in a tunnel already, I didn’t know if I was getting ahead of my competitors or anything, all I could see was what was right in front of me.”

 

He removes his feet from his slippers and brings his knees to his chest, wrapping an arm around it and making himself comfortable inside the small cocoon of his soft blanket. He suddenly looks younger, his eyes are rounder and his body looks smaller, all curled up in a protective ball of warmth. 

 

“I went to the doctor three years ago to ask about it and he told me that there’s no cure for it but falling into complete blindness was really uncommon so I shouldn’t worry about it. And I didn’t. I didn’t think about it for a couple of years and continued on with my life normally. I was scared though, honestly, because seeing the world in complete darkness made me - I don’t know…wonder? Wonder if I could continue on with my life not knowing where I was going or not knowing what’s showing on TV or not seeing the words typed on my computer screen or not seeing what my little brother would look like twenty years from now and I just - “ he breathes in shakily. 

 

“Sousuke…”

 

“It happened about a year ago, I woke up one morning and I was suddenly greeted with darkness. I thought the lights were broken and I woke up right in the middle of the night or something, you know I don’t sleep with lights on, right? So I turned on the switch and still, nothing. I panicked and - “

 

“Sousuke, please stop.” Rin’s eyes are filled with tears, he bleeds the salt of his soul, and as it pours out of his eyes like a broken dam, he tightens his hand around the plastic brim of the cup noodles he’s holding, now suddenly unappetizing to him. He presses his lips into a thin line, not knowing what to say or what to do. He decides to settle his cup noodles on the side table. 

 

“Hey…” Sousuke reaches for his nape, fingers warm and calloused, and plays with his hair. Rin settles his head in the juncture between Sousuke’s neck and shoulder. He sobs uncontrollably, voiceless and breathless, tasting tears on his tongue. Sousuke smooths down his hair, fiddling with its strands playfully as Rin clenches the edge of his blanket tightly, bringing his face closer to Sousuke’s neck. Sousuke smells of chlorine and bath soap with just a hint of body spray and Rin wants to bury himself with his scent. 

 

He closes his eyes shut, more tears threatening to spill out of his eyes, and marvels at the way he could feel Sousuke’s warmth on his skin and hear the rustling sounds of his hair being tousled. This is what Sousuke experiences every day, Rin thinks, he could smell, taste, feel, and hear everything that’s happening around him but he could only see darkness - this is Sousuke’s world and Rin wonders what it’s like to live in it. 

 

They stay in that position for a couple of minutes, the song ‘Fireside’ playing softly in the background. 

 

“Can I sleep beside you tonight?” Rin says hoarsely, voice cracking in the middle of his question. He sits up, letting Sousuke’s hand fall from the back of his neck. “T-the air-conditioning unit is right in front of my bunk so I-I might get cold later on and I feel like I’m gonna get sick s-so yeah,” he explains quickly. 

 

“Rin, relax. Of course you can.”

 

Rin breathes in deeply. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They both lie down on the bottom bunk with their backs against each other. Rin’s shivering, curling his legs against the sheets and wishes they had more blankets. Several hours pass and Rin’s still wide awake, seeing different colored specks dancing behind his eyes like small stars chasing each other, trapped in the small galaxy of his eyelids. He brings his knees closer to his chest, contorting his body a little to alleviate the uneasiness he’s feeling. He hears rustling sounds behind him and wonders what Sousuke is doing. 

 

A soft lump of cotton smashes against his face. 

 

He grabs it, seeing the rectangular frame of the pillow Sousuke handed to him under the low light emanating from the blinds.

 

“I know you can’t sleep without your pillow,” Sousuke mumbles. “Goodnight.”

 

Rin feels his cheeks heat up, a smile creeping its way up to his lips as he wraps his arms around the soft pillow and presses it comfortably against his chest. “Thanks, man. Goodnight,” he whispers back. 

 

He didn’t know why it was so easy talk to Sousuke again and become best friends with him again even after years of separation. Because for him, it isn’t easy, isn’t normal to fall into a deep sense of familiarity after being apart for too long. It started out awkward, of course, but now it’s all just laughter and openness and its like they’re ten again, running through undiscovered streets and playing with rowdy boys at the back of the convenience store. And it’s beginning to feel less like they’re trying to get to know each other again and more as though they’re remembering who they are, through little games and taunts and smiles, and it brings Rin closer to the conclusion that, as sappy and cheesy as it sounds, they’ve known each other before, longer that sixteen years, longer than a hundred years - in another time, a different place - some other existence. 

 

And Rin wonders if he had fallen in love with him in that other world, wonders if Sousuke had felt the same way. 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! c:
> 
> please let me know if you found any typos, English isn't my first language so I suck at this writing thing (not that I can write well with my native language either lmao).


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